(un)determined

When stuff happens, it doesn’t like to spread itself out, let me get used to one disaster before another one happens. It all has to happen at once, and long before I’m ready to take on something else.

I knew long before he left that it would be the hardest time yet. Sometimes you can just tell by how things are going, even how it feels within the first week how it will go when it ends. I wish I knew how that worked. But anyway…I knew it was gonna be bad.

I wasn’t wrong. Usually it takes me a couple of days to get used to things enough to stop being outwardly upset at all times. It seems the passport incident kept things buried long enough for his flight to be called, then all hell broke loose. I haven’t stopped being on the verge of tears or crying since. Most times after day 9 I’ve run out of “He was here just last week” which helps keep me miserable and I can start getting better (if you can call it that) and dealing with being alone again. Last time I think it took me three weeks in all to bury it again.

It’s guaranteed to be longer this time. I feel just as bad now as I did when he left. The kids had just started school and getting the homework piled on which always takes getting used to anyway…and they weren’t happy he was gone, so they were acting up (and still are). Getting crappy people at work (not co-workers) and other things on top of all that, this last week has really sucked. Industrial strength vacuum cleaner times five sucked.

So yeah, I’m at the end of my rope. At least I get to swing.